perfect imperfectly

excerpt from "Written on the Body"

opening line of novel: "Why is the measure of love loss?"

"Love demands expression. It will not stay still, stay silent, be good, be modest, be seen and not heard, no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid. It is no conservationist love. It is a big game hunter and you are the game. A curse on this game. How can you stick at a game when the rules are changing? I shall call myself Alice and play croquet with the flamingoes. In Wonderland everyone cheats and love is Wonderland isn't it? Love makes the world go round. Love is blind. All you need is love. Nobody ever died of a broken heart. You'll get over it. It'll be different when we're married. Think of the children. Time's a great healer. Still waiting for Mr. Right? Miss Right? and maybe all the little Rights?

It's the cliches that cause the trouble. A precise emotion seeks a precise expression. If what you feel is not precise then should I call it love? It is so terrifying, love, that all I can do is shove it under a dump bin of pink cuddly toys and send myself a greetings card saying 'Congratulations on our Engagement'. But I am not engaged I am deeply distracted. I am desperately looking the other way so that love won't see me. I want the diluted version, the sloppy language, the insignificant gestures. The saggy armchair of cliches. It's all right, millions of bottoms have sat here before me. The springs are well worn, the fabric smelly and familiar. I don't have to be frightened, look, my grandma and grandad did it, he in a stiff colar and club tie, she in white muslim straining a little at the life beneath. They did it, my parents did it, now I will do it won't I, arms outstretched, not to hold you, just to keep my balance, sleepwalking to that armchair. How happy we will be. How happy everyone will be.
And they lived happily ever after."

-- Jeanette Winterson


This is where it all went wrong for me :)





I loved my barbie time as a kid. Yes, I played with barbie and ken and barbie was always the 'damsel in distress' waiting for ken to hurry and rescue her. When they would finally meet, it was love at first sight.



He would sweep her off her feet, carry her to 'happily ever after'.


I mean isn't that the way it's suppose to be?

Being born in the time of pisces and therefore sealing my fate as a hopeless romantic presented me with the challenge of deciphering fantasy from reality. I had my ideas of how love should be and stories like Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty fed my delusion. I guess I'm suppose to be waiting for Prince Charming?



My romance had to begin just right, it had to be perfect. Otherwise I was "...desperately looking the other way so that love [wouldn't] see me." I was waiting for my story to unfold. damn, was I delusional! living somewhere over the rainbow, sleeping on some cloud, dreaming my love away. I thankfully got a great big dose of REALITY, I reside now on planet Earth and I like it very much, I don't overdose on fairy tales anymore. I still have to catch myself when I'm trying to dodge the love that comes my way. I've had so many years of practice that it's hard to kick the habit but haven experienced the beauty that is real love has acquired me a new taste. I search for honest and pure love.

I want to live my story imperfectly.

As for the cliches we've heard all our lives, here is a more realistic one:

"love is a piano dropped out a four story window,
and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time"
- Ani DiFranco

Why couldn't they have prepared us for this side of love as well?

I guess "they have to tell you something" [closing line of "Monster" film]

THANKS A LOT!

(** photographs were from a previous project)