sweet surrender

2002-

you, a small chapter in the book of my life?
this can't be the only time I'll see your name with mine
in a sentence of a paragraph in the story of my life

we has to mean you and i one more time

The story was beginning, unfolding slowly before my eyes
and when I finally understood what was going on,
when my heart finally had a conversation with my mind,
it was too late for me to interfere,
it was too late for me to place a big fat ' . '
It was too late.
I couldn’t flip to a brand new page.

But I loved every bittersweet moment of it.
I mean it is in these pages where I fell in love.

I often find myself re-reading them, skimming through the words that made me feel alive and there are some moments that really stand out.

Page 1

"…so pair of with the person next to you, they will be your first model," and I looked over and it was you. We were thrown together on the first day of class. I took a picture of you and you took a picture of me.

Page 2

You said I could borrow some of your paper. That was very thoughtful of you.

I liked our conversations, we both considered ourselves ‘observers’ and we talked about anything and it was always interesting. I actually felt it as I put my guard down. I stopped resisting whatever it was I was resisting and I simply let go.

Page 3

My attraction towards you was the strongest that I have ever felt for anyone and I was trying to search for the perfect words to describe what I was feeling and one day when I was talking to my friend I found it ~ you exude sexuality ~ that was the important element to this chemistry I was experiencing.

All that you say and do seems to be rooted from a sensual nature which I love. Your curiosity, your delicateness, all of it is so endearing. You embody something that I have always craved and that I'm in need of. Everytime you leave the room, you leave behind so many mysteries and I'm left with so many questions; in my mind I gather up the clues and replay our conversations to see where it can lead me too.

Even what you wear hides so much and that makes it even more sexier once you decide to reveal. I like that I can not see all your curves because that makes my imagination work.

Page 4

It was crowded in the room and you were next to me and your hand accidentally brushed my right thigh. You said, "I’m sorry" quietly and I was thinking, why?
I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.

Page 5



i think it's cute how my sticker kept getting your attention. i guess it's because you smoke. i didn't mind. i liked seeing that smile on your face when you were eyeing it and it gave us a reason to talk. and although i rather date a non-smoker i only put the sticker on my notebook because i thought it was cute :)
kiss me!! --i don't smoke!!!-- oh wait you do! i don't care ;)



Page 6

I was the only one there that evening until you arrived a few minutes later. We had the place to ourselves for a little while before someone else dropped by. We all seem to be connecting. It was nice. I love looking at your eyes and what they say even if I don’t know the language, even if they are lighting up for other reasons than mine.


"are you singing Sarah Mclachlan’s song?" I was. I hadn’t noticed I was singing sweet surrender. I guess some songs come out of nowhere. I don’t recall having listened to it recently, hmm…strange.

Page 7

I said I was going to bring attention to you in class and you being shy said "please don’t do that, I like you." Those last 3 words really made me feel good. I hadn’t heard them in a while. I liked them coming from you. Whatever else was left guarding my heart, whatever bricks, layers were still left from the walls that stood around it all my life, they disintegrated that day.

Page 8

I looked at you from across the room and you looked back at me but I was looking at you in a different way. I averted my eyes quickly. What is going on here? What is this I’m feeling? I’m afraid my eyes have revealed too much. I know if you could read them, you’d know what I am feeling.

I hope you know. I hope we are both in on this little secret. I’m tripping over all these feelings and I don’t care if I fall.

In walked love?

Page 9

Standing next to you outside the darkroom, in the middle of our second conversation about the girl in your photograph who's lips you seem to like, I made a safe assumption that you liked full lips. Why weren't you noticing mine? I secretly wanted to be the girl in the photograph you were working on.
...
...
...
I saw this lip charm and thought of you. I added it to my charm bracelet as a little reminder of you.

Page 11

Four of us were seated around the table and I was talking to someone else and I accidentally said your name. You caught it and asked, "did you just say my name?" I guess I did. You said, "I guess that means you were thinking of me." It’s cute that you caught this slip and I’m sure I was.

Page 12

"it doesn’t mean much, it doesn’t me anything at all, the life I’ve left behind me is a cold room" Déjà vu maybe, I don’t know but yes once again I was singing and you were around and you asked me if I was singing her song. I was. Now I had to understand where that song was coming from.......no I didn’t hear it that morning or yesterday or.......oh, i had sung that song a couple of months ago during karaoke on new years eve!

Page 13

"I’ll never forget you." I asked why. You said because you talk a lot. Okay, maybe it's not the best way to be remembered, is this the only reason why? I was addressing my problem with people who don’t keep in touch, the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ crowd. I was already afraid that I might never see you after this class.


I wanted to know "what were your happy moments?"..."the ones with you in them." Why did you have to say that? Why do you have to be so beautiful? Why did I answer my question with him in it when really it was you each time. I liked the ones with you and I both. Why am I so afraid? Things are getting way too complicated here in my head. I feel a broken heart coming soon. Maybe I can prevent this, maybe it's not too late.

Page 14

I stepped outside the ladies room and saw you leaning on the wall, talking on the phone with someone who apparently was responsible for the sexy grin on your face. It seemed you were talking to someone you liked but it wasn't me.

You looked nice in the light blue shirt and jeans; blue looks good on you but it doesn't feel good in me or was I feeling green with envy for whomever's voice was making you smile. Nonetheless, I passed you by pretending to be interested in the conversation I was having.

maybe if you would have gotten of the phone for me i might have given you another reason to smile ;) or so I thought to myself as I left you behind.

Page 15

It’s a complicated question being asked "don’t you miss being in a relationship?" I said yes but I would rather not talk about it right now.

We walked out together as we normally did. We were standing in the corner talking. I was near my train and you were close to yours. I’ve never had a moment like this; where my eyes traveled from your eyes to your lips like in the movies in where it leads to a kiss. I looked away and said "ok, I guess I better get going" even though I wish I could’ve stayed. This is getting harder. Why should something like this be bottled up inside? I went home and poured out a piece of my heart to you in an email. Unfortunately it wasn’t on my feelings but on the question you had asked earlier that evening.

Page 16

I don’t want to have to be with the guy I’m dating every single day, shit, I need my space! I think back on all my past crushes and none convinced me otherwise. That was ME before YOU. Now I understand. It feels good to understand. I feel less strange, less alienated, less alone.

Page 17

I walked to work with my coffee in my hand and the cloudy day didn’t bother me so much because I knew as soon as I got to my desk and clicked on Inbox and searched for your name, it would be there and that was good enough to brighten my day.

Page 20

......................................................Naked: that is how I feel around you................................................


Page 23

Jealousy rears its ugly head. "Sorry I can’t walk you to your train today" and I said that’s okay, I’m sure I can find my way. Go on with your little date! Fuck! Why is it so hard to walk away!!

Page 25

"So what’s going to happen after this?" Summer was coming and class was ending. I was so happy you asked this question because I wanted to ask this so badly and if you wouldn’t have I might not have either and it would have been a big regret of mine. It was such a heavy day for me emotionally. I wasn’t sure if I’d see you again but you said we would meet up during the summer and I believed you.

Page 27

We were sitting outside a cafe on a blue sky summer day when this little bird wandered by your seat. I heard you greet the bird lightly and I thought it was so sweet. I didn't think you noticed that I overhead or maybe its second nature to you so it didn't phase you. Either way, since that moment I started paying more attention to the little birds. any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

Page 28

So this is how it feels, a bruised heart. You talked about her like she was ‘the one.' I had to sit across from you and listen to you go on and on about all the ways she mistreated you but she had won. You were thinking of her and I was walking around with a loss. How silly was I to think you might have cared. I’m not sure how much more I can handle having to see you physically here with me but so far away.

I decided not to hop on that train and waited for the next one. I looked across from the platform and you were standing there sipping your coffee. I teased you that you must really like it because you were really concentrating on it. You smiled and said how you thought I had left.

Page 29

....so I bought it for you because the T-shirt had "Lost Kitty" on it and it was cute and it reminded me of you.

Page 31

I finally told you my feelings and I wasn't prepared for you to tell me that you had no idea that I felt this way. This is where the hopeless romantic in me works against me. I have this quote that says, "love is an unspoken language between two hearts" and I was hoping that it was true. But I guess I should have realized that I had always hid my feelings from you. I play a good actress in real life. I let the fact that things didn't unfold like I wanted them too, interfere with what could happen now.

Page 34

I know a lot of time had passed by but my feelings hadn't left so I picked up the phone and dialed your # again. I wanted to ask you a quick question. I said, "if when I come back from my trip and ask you out on a date, would you say Yes or No? You said, "I can’t" and I asked why. You said because "I’m in a relationship." I said, "oh, ok." .........Why did I wait so long and would it have really mattered?
......"well, it’s my loss" and you said nothing and I said I have to go, bye.

Page 35

They say everything happens for a reason but sometimes the reason things happen the way they do is because we don’t take the chance. It’s bullshit to close off every experience or accept your reality based on this line. It’s a cop out sometimes. But what might have been has always been my heart's demise.

"and I don’t understand how the touch of your hand,

I would be the one to fall,

I miss the little things, oh, I miss everything
about you

......sweet surrender is all that I have to give"

Page 36


on calle del magazen, near a cafe, i found this gondola floating peaceful in the water on a saturday afternoon. i had been walking around aimlessly when this gondola drew me in. the heart shaped love seat was empty and i wanted to wait to see if two lovers would fill it in. five steps down and closer to romantic paradise. i imagined the soothing italian serenades filling the air with sweet melody and lovesick eyes staring at each other saying, "i'll never forget this moment" and kissing to complete the memory.



i wish you were here with me.

a gondola ride wasn't in my plans during my stay. i wanted to leave something untouched and waiting for me to experience with you for the first time. your absence brought me sadness but the love in the air happily distracted me. still, it didn't stop me from thinking of you. i thought of how far you were and it wasn't just in the miles. our distance was immeasurable.

before i walked away from here i comforted myself with hopes that one day i would return with you. i was happy that i had someone i could save this for. realistically, i knew that it might never happen for us in this lifetime.

i positioned my camera to frame this dream just right. this photograph, a reminder of all the feelings that i had allowed to grow inside; the courage in having opened my heart to all the possibilities of love. it was such an exhilarating moment and when i walked away i was smiling because my desire finally had a name.

i promise you a gondola ride...

Page 38

it's finally slipping away

as much as i tried to keep it alive

time is playing its part

the distance

is making you

fade

Page 41 (last page)

So much has happened and not happened. I have so much to be thankful that your path crossed mine. You helped set me free twice. One, in where you walked away from me which wouldn’t be my favorite :) and the other, in that I finally understand a big part of who I am and everything leading up to this day, it all makes sense.

I hope that you will always be a part of my life in any way you can. Maybe now you'll have other reasons to never forget me, other then because I talk a lot :)
I saw a film that said that falling in love is like getting to know a person quickly and learning to see yourself through their eyes and that person bringing out the best in you. Falling in love is in essence also falling in love with yourself.

As in all relationships that have managed to open my heart and find a permanent place to stay, I hope that at the bottom of this page, in this story of you and I,
I can write the words

To be continued....

if you need a good laugh

hope this helps :)

this is from a favorite comedian of mine, George Carlin

Dealing with the Waiter

I think when you eat out you should have a little fun; it's good for digestion. Simple things. After the waiter recites a long list of specials, ask him if they serve cow feet.

But act really interested in the specials. When he says, "Today we have goat-cheese terrine with argula juice, sautéed cod with capers and baby vegetables, coastal shrimp cooked in spiced carrot juice, roast free-range chicken with ginger and chickpea fries, and duck breast in truffle juice," act like you're completely involved. Say, "The cod. What is the cod sautéed in" "A blend of canola and tomato oils." (No hurry here.) "Ahhh, yes! [pointing thoughtfully at the waiter] I'll have the grilled cheese sandwich."

Even some low-end places are pretentious. The menu can't merely say "cheeseburger." They have to get wordy. So, go along with them. When you order your food use their language. But you must look right at the waiter, no fair reading from the menu. Look him in the eye and say, "I'll have the succulent, fresh ground, government-inspected, choice, all-beef, six ounce patty on your own award-winning sesame-seed bun, topped with a generous slice of Wisconsin's finest Grade-A cheddar cheese made from only premium milk and poured from large, galvanized steel cans, having originally have been extracted form a big, fat, smelly, champion blue-ribbon cow with a brain disease."

Tell your waiter you want to make a substitution: "Instead of my napkin, I'll have the lobster tails." See what he says.

Usually, when they ask me if everything is all right, I'll tell them the truth. I say, "Well, I had a problem with the peas. I received 143 peas. Of them, 36 were overcooked, 27 were undercooked, and 18 were not quite the same color as the others."

hotel lorena

if you're ever in Florence feel free to stay in my hotel but not for free :)

of course i saw my name so i had to pose in front of it.
i was looking at the photograph and i thought it was funny the guy standing to the right of me with a sign that read "medieval museum of pain and tortures" and arrow pointing in my direction. (click on image to enlarge)

a good, catholic girl

found in Venice (click on image to enlarge)



My mom thought I was a good, Catholic girl because I loved going to Church when our grade school would take us every Friday. It's true, I did like it but it was because it would take me away from a boring class. If it counts, I loved the music, singing the song "let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me...." and listening to the homily because it was always inspiring :)

After 12 years of Catholic school, I've decided that it's not for me entirely. I take many things from it, as well as from other sources and weave myself into a spiritiual individual that knows no boundaries. I believe all faiths have many things to offer.

      "There are hundreds of paths up the mountain,
     all leading in the same direction,
     so it doesn't matter which path you take.
     The only one wasting time is the one
     who runs around and around the mountain,
     telling everyone else that their path is wrong."

      ~ Hindu Teaching

found in Rome



found in Venice

when Sofia & Angie met Lincoln

Fall of 2001

Beginning Black & White Photography Class

1st assignment with my manual camera

I'm trying to work my camera with notes on what means what - the needle should be in the middle for perfect exposure - forgot about that during the shoot!

2 beautiful friends willing to be my models and so patient as I prepared my camera. they helped me many times, offering helpful advice such as "umm, yeah, you're covering the lens" oh oops minor thing :)

rain didn't help my situation but it being my last day to shoot left me with
no choice. many of the pics were taken over exposed but i found a few that made it and here they are.

this is my favorite







when Sofia and Angie met Lincoln :)

behind the window

lies someone trying to reach out.


for the first time in my life i've considered cutting my hair short.
i never thought that day would come but my hair has gotten boring.
my stylist however was out on leave and i wasn't sure i wanted to make any drastic move without her. i still needed a haircut so i made an appointment for Saturday.

on the way to the salon, while on the train, i saw this little boy standing by his window, looking up at the train and waving to the passengers. i thought, isn't that cute. we made eye contact and i gave him a smile. i guess i should have waved back. i'm sure he was fine with any response from someone.

i arrived a minute or so late to be told that they had tried to reach me because the stylist i was scheduled for was sick and they offered to reschedule me for an hour later. the lady suggested i go grab something to eat and come back. funny, she telling me what i should do but i guess she read my mind because i was hungry. i went for a sandwich and then got some coffee and since it was deliciously hot and it was a cold day, i figured i'd give coffee it's fair chance to fullfill its purpose, keep me warm so I stood outside. i called my friend for some company.

i happen to be standing across from an old hotel/apartment building that from appearance as well as from the type people walking in and out of it, looked like many freaky things were going on in there. i didn't think much of the whistles that i heard as i chatted with my friend. i was scanning the windows when i saw someone putting up a poster sign with a phone number in front of the window. i'm thinking this is strange, what is he advertising? it was an old man, soon-to-be a dirty old man, holding it up. i looked around to see who he could be doing this for and then realized i was the only one on the block standing around. wow. he then changed his poster sign to another one with some #'s and letters, i'm not sure what it meant. i'm thinking, is this man serious? i was shocked. then he put back up the phone # one. on some other day i would think this disgusting, but that day i thought it was hilarious. a little understanding helped me make an exception because he was a very old man. had it been a man of any other age, i would have wished for my own poster sign to reply with a 'fuck off, you couldn't pay me enough'.

he finally sealed it with a 'GIVE ME SOME!!!' scream. those below his window looked to see where the voice was coming from. too funny. i can imagine this in some romantic comedy film, the gesture under different circumstances/different characters being romantic but WOW back to my reality, buddy, i think i'll pass!! my friend on the phone asks, 'well, what are you wearing?!!' i told her it's not that, i mean i was just wearing jeans, its that i'm the only one whose attention he can get. i caught the smirk on his face. i went into the salon.

what a crazy contrast.
2 strangers reaching out from a window for attention with 2 distinct
differences. The first one, innocent and sweet, the latter shameful
and offensive. Both in need of some company though.

maybe they ran into loneliness earlier that day and they wanted to
get rid of it through someone else.

good photograph to people watch

(click on image to enlarge)


look closely

someone is waiting
someone is passing by
someone knows where they are going
someone is just walking to pass time
someone is following
someone is leading
someone just saw someone else they can't take their eyes off of
someone is arguing with their love
someone is wondering why
someone feels owning those earrings will make her feel better
someone is buying a postcard
someone is thinking, 'wow, i'm glad to be alive!'
someone is wondering 'what is the point of this life?'
someone is taking this photograph, amazed that she finally arrived

Bday Party Your Invited

Dora y Lorena's Birthday Party
Date: Saturday March 12, 2005
Where: mi casa es su casa

If I could travel back in time and then was now and we were kids then this Saturday we would be celebrating our birthdays together. I learned early on how to share the spotlight. My sister was born March 9 and I was born March 14 so we'd celebrate in the middle.

2 pisces + 1 home = 3 reasons why its not a good idea :) j/k

I close my eyes and imagine all the parties we've had growing up and all our friends gathered in the living room;
so much talking, pushing, running,
playing duck duck goose,
talking of cartoons.

"it's time for cake" ~~~~ music to our ears.

everyone starts singing

"happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday dear dora and lorena,
happy birthday to you"

we have great big smiles on our face, eyes sparkling from the candles lit up in our honor.

we close our eyes, think are biggest wish and start blowing out the candles



was someone else helping? (usually) - no fair!
ok, trick candles, more blowing, should i wish the same thing?
maybe the candles keep turning on as if to say "pick a more realistic wish?"
but i know i wasn't wishing for world peace??
[yeah, i know that's what trick candles do :)]

well good, it was more than enough for all our little wishes
-seriously turn off now!!!-
i wonder what i was wishing for?
...hmm.....and did it come true?

my mom's friend Gloria approaches for her part in the ritual,
-smashing our face in the cake!-
it was funny the first and second time. exciting even.
but with the years, i fought so my face wouldn't have to kiss the cake that way.




i put some cake in my mouth so i'll still get a little messy and my friends won't feel cheated at not haven seen me with my face all masked with whipp cream. i ask for a candy rose from the cake decorations and get my slice, remove the strawberries and eat my bday away.

afterwards it's time for opening gifts and reading b-day cards.
wow, i'm a mother to another cabbage patch kid!
and ken has another barbie to rescue ;)

we say good night to all our friends and end the night with my sister, cousin and i dancing to music on the radio (or in our heads).
spinning, spinning, i love to do that with my dress, i feel like a ballerina. then dizziness gets the best of me and I un-gracefully fall to the couch.

one last photograph:

say 'CHEESE'!!!

(OR make a silly face :)

happy international women's day

"Women have served all these centuries as looking glasses possessing the power of reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size. "


"As a woman I have no country. As a woman my country is the whole world. "

-- Virginia Woolf

perfect imperfectly

excerpt from "Written on the Body"

opening line of novel: "Why is the measure of love loss?"

"Love demands expression. It will not stay still, stay silent, be good, be modest, be seen and not heard, no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid. It is no conservationist love. It is a big game hunter and you are the game. A curse on this game. How can you stick at a game when the rules are changing? I shall call myself Alice and play croquet with the flamingoes. In Wonderland everyone cheats and love is Wonderland isn't it? Love makes the world go round. Love is blind. All you need is love. Nobody ever died of a broken heart. You'll get over it. It'll be different when we're married. Think of the children. Time's a great healer. Still waiting for Mr. Right? Miss Right? and maybe all the little Rights?

It's the cliches that cause the trouble. A precise emotion seeks a precise expression. If what you feel is not precise then should I call it love? It is so terrifying, love, that all I can do is shove it under a dump bin of pink cuddly toys and send myself a greetings card saying 'Congratulations on our Engagement'. But I am not engaged I am deeply distracted. I am desperately looking the other way so that love won't see me. I want the diluted version, the sloppy language, the insignificant gestures. The saggy armchair of cliches. It's all right, millions of bottoms have sat here before me. The springs are well worn, the fabric smelly and familiar. I don't have to be frightened, look, my grandma and grandad did it, he in a stiff colar and club tie, she in white muslim straining a little at the life beneath. They did it, my parents did it, now I will do it won't I, arms outstretched, not to hold you, just to keep my balance, sleepwalking to that armchair. How happy we will be. How happy everyone will be.
And they lived happily ever after."

-- Jeanette Winterson


This is where it all went wrong for me :)





I loved my barbie time as a kid. Yes, I played with barbie and ken and barbie was always the 'damsel in distress' waiting for ken to hurry and rescue her. When they would finally meet, it was love at first sight.



He would sweep her off her feet, carry her to 'happily ever after'.


I mean isn't that the way it's suppose to be?

Being born in the time of pisces and therefore sealing my fate as a hopeless romantic presented me with the challenge of deciphering fantasy from reality. I had my ideas of how love should be and stories like Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty fed my delusion. I guess I'm suppose to be waiting for Prince Charming?



My romance had to begin just right, it had to be perfect. Otherwise I was "...desperately looking the other way so that love [wouldn't] see me." I was waiting for my story to unfold. damn, was I delusional! living somewhere over the rainbow, sleeping on some cloud, dreaming my love away. I thankfully got a great big dose of REALITY, I reside now on planet Earth and I like it very much, I don't overdose on fairy tales anymore. I still have to catch myself when I'm trying to dodge the love that comes my way. I've had so many years of practice that it's hard to kick the habit but haven experienced the beauty that is real love has acquired me a new taste. I search for honest and pure love.

I want to live my story imperfectly.

As for the cliches we've heard all our lives, here is a more realistic one:

"love is a piano dropped out a four story window,
and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time"
- Ani DiFranco

Why couldn't they have prepared us for this side of love as well?

I guess "they have to tell you something" [closing line of "Monster" film]

THANKS A LOT!

(** photographs were from a previous project)