Wednesday, March 30, 2005

sweet surrender


you, a small chapter in the book of my life?
this can't be the only time I'll see your name with mine
in a sentence of a paragraph in the story of my life

we has to mean you and i one more time

The story was beginning, unfolding slowly before my eyes
and when I finally understood what was going on,
when my heart finally had a conversation with my mind,
it was too late for me to interfere,
it was too late for me to place a big fat ' . '
It was too late.
I couldn’t flip to a brand new page.

But I loved every bittersweet moment of it.
I mean it is in these pages where I fell in love.

I often find myself re-reading them, skimming through the words that made me feel alive and there are some moments that really stand out.

Page 1

"…so pair of with the person next to you, they will be your first model," and I looked over and it was you. We were thrown together on the first day of class. I took a picture of you and you took a picture of me.

Page 2

You said I could borrow some of your paper. That was very thoughtful of you.

I liked our conversations, we both considered ourselves ‘observers’ and we talked about anything and it was always interesting. I actually felt it as I put my guard down. I stopped resisting whatever it was I was resisting and I simply let go.

Page 3

My attraction towards you was the strongest that I have ever felt for anyone and I was trying to search for the perfect words to describe what I was feeling and one day when I was talking to my friend I found it ~ you exude sexuality ~ that was the important element to this chemistry I was experiencing.

All that you say and do seems to be rooted from a sensual nature which I love. Your curiosity, your delicateness, all of it is so endearing. You embody something that I have always craved and that I'm in need of. Everytime you leave the room, you leave behind so many mysteries and I'm left with so many questions; in my mind I gather up the clues and replay our conversations to see where it can lead me too.

Even what you wear hides so much and that makes it even more sexier once you decide to reveal. I like that I can not see all your curves because that makes my imagination work.

Page 4

It was crowded in the room and you were next to me and your hand accidentally brushed my right thigh. You said, "I’m sorry" quietly and I was thinking, why?
I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.

Page 5

i think it's cute how my sticker kept getting your attention. i guess it's because you smoke. i didn't mind. i liked seeing that smile on your face when you were eyeing it and it gave us a reason to talk. and although i rather date a non-smoker i only put the sticker on my notebook because i thought it was cute :)
kiss me!! --i don't smoke!!!-- oh wait you do! i don't care ;)

Page 6

I was the only one there that evening until you arrived a few minutes later. We had the place to ourselves for a little while before someone else dropped by. We all seem to be connecting. It was nice. I love looking at your eyes and what they say even if I don’t know the language, even if they are lighting up for other reasons than mine.

"are you singing Sarah Mclachlan’s song?" I was. I hadn’t noticed I was singing sweet surrender. I guess some songs come out of nowhere. I don’t recall having listened to it recently, hmm…strange.

Page 7

I said I was going to bring attention to you in class and you being shy said "please don’t do that, I like you." Those last 3 words really made me feel good. I hadn’t heard them in a while. I liked them coming from you. Whatever else was left guarding my heart, whatever bricks, layers were still left from the walls that stood around it all my life, they disintegrated that day.

Page 8

I looked at you from across the room and you looked back at me but I was looking at you in a different way. I averted my eyes quickly. What is going on here? What is this I’m feeling? I’m afraid my eyes have revealed too much. I know if you could read them, you’d know what I am feeling.

I hope you know. I hope we are both in on this little secret. I’m tripping over all these feelings and I don’t care if I fall.

In walked love?

Page 9

Standing next to you outside the darkroom, in the middle of our second conversation about the girl in your photograph who's lips you seem to like, I made a safe assumption that you liked full lips. Why weren't you noticing mine? I secretly wanted to be the girl in the photograph you were working on.
I saw this lip charm and thought of you. I added it to my charm bracelet as a little reminder of you.

Page 11

Four of us were seated around the table and I was talking to someone else and I accidentally said your name. You caught it and asked, "did you just say my name?" I guess I did. You said, "I guess that means you were thinking of me." It’s cute that you caught this slip and I’m sure I was.

Page 12

"it doesn’t mean much, it doesn’t me anything at all, the life I’ve left behind me is a cold room" Déjà vu maybe, I don’t know but yes once again I was singing and you were around and you asked me if I was singing her song. I was. Now I had to understand where that song was coming I didn’t hear it that morning or yesterday or.......oh, i had sung that song a couple of months ago during karaoke on new years eve!

Page 13

"I’ll never forget you." I asked why. You said because you talk a lot. Okay, maybe it's not the best way to be remembered, is this the only reason why? I was addressing my problem with people who don’t keep in touch, the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ crowd. I was already afraid that I might never see you after this class.

I wanted to know "what were your happy moments?"..."the ones with you in them." Why did you have to say that? Why do you have to be so beautiful? Why did I answer my question with him in it when really it was you each time. I liked the ones with you and I both. Why am I so afraid? Things are getting way too complicated here in my head. I feel a broken heart coming soon. Maybe I can prevent this, maybe it's not too late.

Page 14

I stepped outside the ladies room and saw you leaning on the wall, talking on the phone with someone who apparently was responsible for the sexy grin on your face. It seemed you were talking to someone you liked but it wasn't me.

You looked nice in the light blue shirt and jeans; blue looks good on you but it doesn't feel good in me or was I feeling green with envy for whomever's voice was making you smile. Nonetheless, I passed you by pretending to be interested in the conversation I was having.

maybe if you would have gotten of the phone for me i might have given you another reason to smile ;) or so I thought to myself as I left you behind.

Page 15

It’s a complicated question being asked "don’t you miss being in a relationship?" I said yes but I would rather not talk about it right now.

We walked out together as we normally did. We were standing in the corner talking. I was near my train and you were close to yours. I’ve never had a moment like this; where my eyes traveled from your eyes to your lips like in the movies in where it leads to a kiss. I looked away and said "ok, I guess I better get going" even though I wish I could’ve stayed. This is getting harder. Why should something like this be bottled up inside? I went home and poured out a piece of my heart to you in an email. Unfortunately it wasn’t on my feelings but on the question you had asked earlier that evening.

Page 16

I don’t want to have to be with the guy I’m dating every single day, shit, I need my space! I think back on all my past crushes and none convinced me otherwise. That was ME before YOU. Now I understand. It feels good to understand. I feel less strange, less alienated, less alone.

Page 17

I walked to work with my coffee in my hand and the cloudy day didn’t bother me so much because I knew as soon as I got to my desk and clicked on Inbox and searched for your name, it would be there and that was good enough to brighten my day.

Page 20

......................................................Naked: that is how I feel around you................................................

Page 23

Jealousy rears its ugly head. "Sorry I can’t walk you to your train today" and I said that’s okay, I’m sure I can find my way. Go on with your little date! Fuck! Why is it so hard to walk away!!

Page 25

"So what’s going to happen after this?" Summer was coming and class was ending. I was so happy you asked this question because I wanted to ask this so badly and if you wouldn’t have I might not have either and it would have been a big regret of mine. It was such a heavy day for me emotionally. I wasn’t sure if I’d see you again but you said we would meet up during the summer and I believed you.

Page 27

We were sitting outside a cafe on a blue sky summer day when this little bird wandered by your seat. I heard you greet the bird lightly and I thought it was so sweet. I didn't think you noticed that I overhead or maybe its second nature to you so it didn't phase you. Either way, since that moment I started paying more attention to the little birds. any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

Page 28

So this is how it feels, a bruised heart. You talked about her like she was ‘the one.' I had to sit across from you and listen to you go on and on about all the ways she mistreated you but she had won. You were thinking of her and I was walking around with a loss. How silly was I to think you might have cared. I’m not sure how much more I can handle having to see you physically here with me but so far away.

I decided not to hop on that train and waited for the next one. I looked across from the platform and you were standing there sipping your coffee. I teased you that you must really like it because you were really concentrating on it. You smiled and said how you thought I had left.

Page 29 I bought it for you because the T-shirt had "Lost Kitty" on it and it was cute and it reminded me of you.

Page 31

I finally told you my feelings and I wasn't prepared for you to tell me that you had no idea that I felt this way. This is where the hopeless romantic in me works against me. I have this quote that says, "love is an unspoken language between two hearts" and I was hoping that it was true. But I guess I should have realized that I had always hid my feelings from you. I play a good actress in real life. I let the fact that things didn't unfold like I wanted them too, interfere with what could happen now.

Page 34

I know a lot of time had passed by but my feelings hadn't left so I picked up the phone and dialed your # again. I wanted to ask you a quick question. I said, "if when I come back from my trip and ask you out on a date, would you say Yes or No? You said, "I can’t" and I asked why. You said because "I’m in a relationship." I said, "oh, ok." .........Why did I wait so long and would it have really mattered?
......"well, it’s my loss" and you said nothing and I said I have to go, bye.

Page 35

They say everything happens for a reason but sometimes the reason things happen the way they do is because we don’t take the chance. It’s bullshit to close off every experience or accept your reality based on this line. It’s a cop out sometimes. But what might have been has always been my heart's demise.

"and I don’t understand how the touch of your hand,

I would be the one to fall,

I miss the little things, oh, I miss everything

about you

......sweet surrender is all that I have to give"

Page 36

on calle del magazen, near a cafe, i found this gondola floating peaceful in the water on a saturday afternoon. i had been walking around aimlessly when this gondola drew me in. the heart shaped love seat was empty and i wanted to wait to see if two lovers would fill it in. five steps down and closer to romantic paradise. i imagined the soothing italian serenades filling the air with sweet melody and lovesick eyes staring at each other saying, "i'll never forget this moment" and kissing to complete the memory.

i wish you were here with me.

a gondola ride wasn't in my plans during my stay. i wanted to leave something untouched and waiting for me to experience with you for the first time. your absence brought me sadness but the love in the air happily distracted me. still, it didn't stop me from thinking of you. i thought of how far you were and it wasn't just in the miles. our distance was immeasurable.

before i walked away from here i comforted myself with hopes that one day i would return with you. i was happy that i had someone i could save this for. realistically, i knew that it might never happen for us in this lifetime.

i positioned my camera to frame this dream just right. this photograph, a reminder of all the feelings that i had allowed to grow inside; the courage in having opened my heart to all the possibilities of love. it was such an exhilarating moment and when i walked away i was smiling because my desire finally had a name.

i promise you a gondola ride...

Page 38

it's finally slipping away

as much as i tried to keep it alive

time is playing its part

the distance
is making you

Page 41 (last page)

So much has happened and not happened. I have so much to be thankful that your path crossed mine. You helped set me free twice. One, in where you walked away from me which wouldn’t be my favorite :) and the other, in that I finally understand a big part of who I am and everything leading up to this day, it all makes sense.

I hope that you will always be a part of my life in any way you can. Maybe now you'll have other reasons to never forget me, other then because I talk a lot :)
I saw a film that said that falling in love is like getting to know a person quickly and learning to see yourself through their eyes and that person bringing out the best in you. Falling in love is in essence also falling in love with yourself.

As in all relationships that have managed to open my heart and find a permanent place to stay, I hope that at the bottom of this page, in this story of you and I,
I can write the words

To be continued....


transience said...

this is the story of my life. really. from the inbox thing to the i'm in a relationship thing. funny how we are so far away from each other yet know in our hearts the exact same stories. this was beautiful, lorena, too beautiful. thank you for saying the words i would never have the courage to say.

venus said...

Lorena, this is really very beautiful, i felt like I eye witnessed each and every incident you have mentioned. And it is very brave of you to share this. I wish you all the best.


Ditto, ditto, beautiful! :) Will be waiting for the continuation! :)

Lorena said...

transience, thanks for the compliment. i was hoping that i somehow could express how it made me feel and was happy that maybe i was able too. it's crazy, yeah how we could share the same experience. courage only came with time, years really..thanks again for always giving me feedback.

venus, thanks! i'm glad you were able to follow me through it all :)

carolvs, thanks and as for the continuation, i'm waiting too :)

thanks for your thoughts!

Pezgirl said...

Lorena, that has got to be one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. I cannot wait to read more of this :)

I've been through the same experieces, perhaps I shall blog about it, you've definitely inspired me.

- she - said...

hi lorena. this is really beautiful. i can even see myself in some of your words. thanks for sharing. i, too, shall be waiting to read the rest of the story. :)

Lorena said...

thanks pezgirl :)
I look forward to reading your story!

sheryl, thanks for sharing your thoughts :)

!!blue said...

Hi sweetie! Great post, I imagined myself in your shoes every step of the way. Thanks for sharing a part of your life, it's inspiring! :D

Roger Stevens said...

Lovely writing.


Lorena said...

thanks blue and Roger :)

Anonymous said...

i love your post. its very lovely.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lorena said...

thanks liz :)

Anonymous said...

that was beautiful. i felt like i was in a movie or book living out your words. you are a very good writer and your words really touched my heart

Lorena said...

thank you very much :) i'm glad that pouring out a little piece of my heart in writing can be looked at so nicely.

Itineranting said...

We've all been there, havent we...but this was a beautiful way to capture the journey..

Lorena said...

thank you :)

Monica M. said...

Heart felt.....

Lorena said...

thank you monica :)

sirbarrett said...

Like transience said, it's something we can relate to. There are so many twists and turns, and the suspense and the surrender are all part of it. So you don't win today "love is not a victory march," oh well. It's the beautiful story that counts and your beautiful golden heart that learns little by little to open up and ask: what if?

I read most of it before but admit not the whole thing. Now I'm glad I still haven't gotten to the end, because it's still to be continued.

Lorena said...

"love is not a victory march"
[i thought of the the song "hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright.great song.]

thanks for the sweet words. you are right, my love story will continue to write itself until the day i die, the object of my desire might change, different name, different face but my Love will be infinite.

always leaving me with hope, thank you sirbarrett.

Anna Piutti* said...

That was truly beautiful and intense...
Thank you for sharing it.

Benjamin said...

That's lovely, Lorena. Very sensitive and genuine and affecting. I hope that you continue to always be wide-eyed and dazzled by the wonders of life, and that your heart should remain open till this or another somebody special comes into your life x

Lorena said...

anna :: thank you for reading it and for the kind words :)

benjamin :: thank you for the lovely and inspiring words. i am keeping my heart open & i hope one day with eyes wide open, i will see the love i give return to me :)

dq1874 said...

I read this today from your march 2006 link for this one yr. anniversary.

This is a simultaneously tender and painful journey that you have faced with courage and penned with flowing beauty. I hung on your every word. Like others here, I related to many parts of your post. Wishing you all encompassing love that *will* come your way and will stay. It's so hard to be patient when yearning bubbles up from within every pore of you, isn't it?