Thursday, July 07, 2005

side by side, same country

"Sometimes when I speak to him, Cid looks very hard and straight into my face as if in search of something (a city on a map?) like someone who has tumbled off a star. But he is not the one who feels alien - ever, I think. He lives in a small country of hope, which is his heart. Like Sokrates he fails to understand why travel should be such a challenge to the muscles of the heart, for other people. Around every bend of the road is a city of gold, isn't it?
I am the kind of person who thinks no, probably not. And we walk, side by side, in different countries."

(excerpt from "Plainwater" by Anne Carson)

but with you. when i met you and we talked, you sometimes surprised me with words i had buried inside; i knew we weren't that distant. some people are foreign to me, but you, you are native. we come from the same country, in fact i know the state and i'm not surprised the further i look into your soul that your city is where i call home. and the city is large but somehow we managed to meet and then part. do you know how it feels to be alone in your soul? i do now even more.

"what is it that keeps us from drowning in moments that rise and cover the heart?"

and i have to find you. i have to tell you how i am lost and how i think you hold the key, a clue, something that could make me found. in the moments we shared i felt a closeness, a safety that i'm still not sure i can do without.
your eyelids, curtains to reveal your eyes. your eyes, windows to your soul. your soul, a room that embodies your essence. your essence, something that i want to hold.

and i have to find you. some people are foreign to me but you are familiar. i walk the streets, follow the signs, hop on a train, i don't want to stop. sadness finds me eventually and i feel even more empty inside. this isn't getting me closer, this is getting me far.

i have to listen to my heart. i have to close my eyes and let it guide me to where you are. so i go to where i started and it is there that i find i didn't have to look very far. something pulls me to this beautiful house, it looks completely unfamiliar but it feels like home. i turn the knob, it's open, it was never locked. and i search the rooms and find no one but i sense a presence, a spirit. as always, the last place you look is where you find what you have lost. the bedroom. you have bedroom eyes.

every step i take towards this room fills me up with you and i feel lighter, i feel full. will i find you there waiting for me? or is it me who is waiting for you? and does it really matter who is waiting, i think it's just important that we meet.

i want to take your hand

trace the wave of your hand
walk side by side with you
in our country
for the rest of our life.


butterflies in my stomach. i open the door. this is the moment i have waited for. happiness overwhelms me. i don't feel lost anymore. i found you. i found you lying in the comfort of our bed. a bed made of our memories, of our future, of our words, of our souls. of a love with so many colors decorating its spirit and so many colors waiting to grow and explode into the sky.
spread your wings and fly butterfly.





"The butterfly
counts not months,
but in moments and
has time enough."

56 comments:

Carrie said...

oh sweetie...i'm sorry to hear you feel alone in your soul. that is the worst feeling ever. it doesn't have to be that way. life is funny how it twists and turns....everything has a meaning i hope...and this is just a passing stride for u. i hope u find him and what u r searching for.

allister said...

This is beautifully written. I think it's great that you believe that there is a purpose for everything and you find the beauty in the simplest things. You're a great artist.

Ημερολόγιο said...

Excellent

Potted-flower said...

Wow. That's... pretty. It's sad when people feel sad. Don't feel sad.

Shirazi said...

Ver focused post. Enjoyed.

irina said...

My Lorena...
Where do you pick your words... Wonderful metapfor, that of the different countries. I have always thought of cities as a huge juxtaposition of solitudes...
But, you, you got lucky. Take care of your country, of your home. We don't want any wars in it!

Gangadhar said...

Fantastic! very nicely written..

bablu said...

"The butterfly counts not months,
but in moments and has time enough." Very well written. So who is this butterfly in your life ?

gone said...

Who is this butterfly of which you speak? Don't answer. It's rhetorical. It's just interesting...the house you write about reminds me of the house in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Who are you...Joel or Clementine?

GQ1NYC said...

We have all felt lost in our hearts and a feeling of Alone but that feeling is temporary and also a good indication that shows how much love we have. Alot of people never get to experience real love and there are alot of other people who don't know what love is. When you have time you feel alone, you can be sure that you will find that love, because there is someone out there who share in your vision of happiness.

DeeM said...

'your soul, a room that embodies your essence'.
so beautifully written. you've described this feeling so poignantly, i so can relate!
another wonderful piece, lorena. :)

Cracked Chancla said...

excellent writing. there were so many lines that resonated for me.

Lorena said...

mitzee :: thanks for your sweet words. that is life, ever changing and sometimes you feel company and sometimes you feel alone. but my story had a happy ending in this
post :)

allister :: wow, i'm honored for you having said that. thank you :) aren't we all. thank you for finding this message in what i wrote.

greek man :: THANKS!

potted flower :: I will not feel sad! Thanks because I was until you requested I not ;) :)

shirazi :: Thanks.

irina :: the excerpt (top of post) from the book i'm currently reading inspired me. i am so enjoying this book. i've had it for awhile and i can't believe it took me this long to read.
and you know it's interesting you associate cities with solitude. i find that in order to escape mine i go deep into the city. it feels alive and somehow i hope that it
will pour over into me as well. thanks irina, i will take care of my country :)

thanks Gangadhar :)

bablu :: that particular quote i can't take credit for. the author was unknown. but isn't it beautiful.thanks. and who is the butterfly in my life? sometimes i
think i know who my butterfly is and sometimes they are beyond my reach. have i met this person? all i can do is hold out my hand and hope that my butterfly happily flies into my hand, my arms.

"Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
~~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

cannot be trusted :: i love that movie. really, cool. who am i? hmmmmm. oh my darling clementine :)

gq1nyc :: very beautiful words. thanks & it's true. i should know because i've only touched love lightly but i haven't really gone any deeper. so much to look forward too :)

deem :: thank you sweetie :) i'm glad i'm not alone. btw, i'm off to get that cd tonight!! 'blue'

cracked chancla :: thank you. when people can relate, it makes me feel less alone. thanks.

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

This is beautifuly written with a subtle rhythem to it. I love also the butterfly quote and picture it is true it is not what you have but how you measure it

mermaid said...

You are a native soul to me, Lorena. I can feel the terrain, the details, the emotions in your description of this lost stranger, and yet, not a stranger at all.

Keep looking for that soul, and find home. This is definitely one of my favorite posts. What's Plainwater about?

DeeM said...

oh, great! let me know what you think.

Paul said...

If you're lost, no one else holds the key. But you know me...

Lorena said...

sue :: thank you :) what a nice description.

mermaid :: i feel the same way about you :) if only we lived in the same city....you really do understand. and this was one of my favorites to write so you don't know how great it feels for you to have said that :) thank you. Plainwater is a collection of essays and poetry by Anne Carson. the excerpt i included was from the section "Anthropology of Water" ("pilgrimage in pursuit of the elusive and intimate anthropology of water") which i'm sure you would like and not just because of the water part, you should go to a bookstore and read that section!! :) for me, it's amazing.

deem :: will do so. i hope it won't make me sad, blue, will it?

paul :: that is correct & what i'm looking for is not locked. but lost is something we all must go through and when i'm found i'll be better for it :)

iamnasra said...

Wow This great. To tell you the turth, this most beautiful words that I ever read from you...I normally do not sit and read long texts. Im used to concentrate more on poetry but this took my attention ...Well done Lorena

Roger Stevens said...

It's great to have bedroom eyes, but maybe not kitchen eyes. It's great to have the beauty and the soul of a butterfly, but maybe not an aphid, and it's great that your eyes reflect the soul, but maybe not the argon lamps that illuminate the ring road.

Nice writing by the way.

gusgreeper said...

great.fabulous.loved it.hope you aren't too sad though...beautiful writer you are.

Potted-flower said...

*big smile* :)

Benjamin said...

Thank you. This is the very essence, isn't it? Take care, be careful. Love people, and wait till it is right. I can see a tortoiseshell (deep orange and brown) butterfly right now, as I look out my window. We are in trouble here, and I try to believe that we will get there, we will be alright. You have a lot to give to the world. Don't fall asleep, please...

mariposatomica said...

First off, you need a photo exhibit. Suggestion Cafe Mestizo on 21 and Ashland.

Second, your writing ROCKS! PUBLISH PLEASE!

Third, I'm running out to get the Carson book. It sounds fascinating. I just wrote a short story based on water.

Patry Francis said...

You are a butterfly!You express yourself in flight and flashes of color.

nin said...

i have linked ur site....hope u dont mind....

transience said...

this was so beautiful and poignant and it makes me think that we share much of the same stories. you tell this with so much heart.

Anonymous said...

loved reading this one, so tender and so full of your heart.
home is not a country, its the body of your lover.

will post the meme soon, loved your answers.

gulnaz

Joyce said...

Beautiful.

Lorena said...

iamnasra :: thank you. i'm glad you read it :)i appreciate your sweet words.

roger :: lovely wit, thanks :)

corinna :: thanks :)

potted flower :: *big smile back* :)

benjamin :: thanks for sharing that moment and for the encouraging words you left here. it really was moving for me and i'm wide awake :)

mariposaatomica :: you are so sweet. thanks for the support. how did you know i need people to push me sometimes?! it's really encouraging. i must take action huh.
btw, let me know how you like the book. i'm slowly reading through it, i do that when i don't want the book to end :)

patry francis :: thank you for such a beautiful description :) i'm glad you visited because i was able to find you. thanks!

avik :: thanks, will do likewise.

transience :: thank you. it's great we share the same stories, it shows how we are all connected in some way.

gulnaz :: "home...the body of your lover" beautiful girl :) thanks for adding that. glad you're back. look forward to your answers.

thanks joyce :)

elkenarra said...

my home is your home

chikididu said...

It felt like reading Paulo Coelho's piece. Only this time I could go through word by word without getting sick or having the strong urge to vomit, unlike when I read "By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept".

Oh Lorena, how I wish your heart the heaven it so deserves!

Gangadhar said...

Hi
just visit my latest post
loose talk costs lives
thank you,Lorena!

virumandi said...

I was really down today (monday)..but your blog have made it brighter like it can never be!!!

Pecos Blue said...

I look foward to you writing about when you find this house and open the door.

EGO SVM CAROLVS said...

This post blows me away. We should only be so lucky to find The One for each of us. :)

Pezgirl said...

:) you keep me hanging onto every word.

The-Scientist said...

Gracias...

Dios te bendiga y cuide mucho, poeta...

H.

stella said...

so moving. reminds me of a love you never forget. thanks lorena for such a beautiful piece!! :)

Lorena said...

thank you elkenarra :)

chikididu :: really? thanks. wait, you didn't like that book? please tell me this isn't true!!! and that wish for me i also wish it for you. thank you :)

gangadhar :: ok i visited. thanks :)

virumandi :: you are so sweet. that makes me feel good. i'm glad you are doing better :)

pecos blue :: i look forward to opening that door and what it will bring. thanks :)

carolvs :: thanks. crossing my fingers for us all :)

pezgirl :: thanks girl :)

the scientist :: thanks & for sharing some of your stories.

stella :: thanks. yes some people are unforgettable :)

Paul said...

" i have to tell you how i am lost and how i think you hold the key"

Lorena, I was just picking up on that line, so when you say that what you're looking for isn't locked - glad to hear it!

I guess we can all get lost in a lot of different ways. But I think all lostness (? some word...) is temporary, at least in the big picture.

Carrie said...

glad you found your happy ending. ;)

Amie said...

this is beautiful!i thought for a minute it'll be a sad one, so glad it has a happy ending. and i envy you your gift for words. :p

The-Scientist said...

Hey, sister, I am melting out of admiration here. Everytime I read this peace I am more convinced of you gift of painting with words and tell stories with images. But now I have a big dilema, and I need your advice. I love the picture of the butterfly, but I don't know if I should take out the Sofía's one from my desktop... What should I do? :0)

Take care, God bless...

H.

Again, thanks for touching my soul the way you did, mi muy querida poeta de las luces...

The Scientist said...

I meant "piece"...

H.

Lorena said...

Paul :: yes, the answers are all within but not locked, just buried deep.

mitzee :: in the post i did :)

amie :: thank you :)

the scientist :: thanks for your sweet words. i'm happy any of my photographs are decorating your desktop! what will you do..hmmm.
again thanks for being so kind :)

Nihilistic said...

That is very beautifully written! You have a great talent! Talent for Photography as well!! :)

Gangadhar said...

Lorena..tnx for stopping by at my blog..

_Soulless_ said...

i'm not surprised the further i look into your soul that your city is where i call home. and the city is large but somehow we managed to meet and then part. do you know how it feels to be alone in your soul? i do now even more.

I felt butterflies in my stomach, reading this. ^_^ The whole piece is like prose poetry. Love, love, love it. ^_^

The-Scientist said...

Lore: Guess what? I am "test driving" the butterfly in my desktop. It looks soooooooooooooooooooo beautiful! There is a strong possibility this is a keeper... ;0)
Thanks for those precious presents you give us, in words, portraits and landscapes...

Take care and God bless you...

H.

jonny ragel said...

oh god. that's just awesome. *blushing*

Lorena said...

stacy :: thank you very much :) i'm glad you visited!

glad to visit gangadhar :)

soulless :: huge compliment coming from you! thanks for being so sweet :)

the scientist :: oh that's great. well i hope it passes the test :) thank you as well for always your kind words.
take care as well.

johnny crash :: oooh, blushing. i love when i can do that to people, lord knows i blush way too much for my own good! :)
thanks!!

Sk8RN said...

This is an incredibly beautiful post. I know that feeling so well - of meeting someone who seems to just fit like a key into your soul. I try so hard to resist that temptation, though, because it seems the hole is something I need to fill from within. But the connection with others is so powerful, too.

Lorena said...

thank you sk8rn :) connections with others are very valuable and you don't run across many deep ones in a lifetime. still you are right, the answers are all within us.

thanks again!

. : A : . said...

There is a beautiful sadness that runs through the post.

Lorena said...

oh, i've always wanted to write something that's described like that, thanks :)