Sunday, January 08, 2006

left never felt right


right ---> towards you

left <--- leaving you

left never felt right
but you had left.


and i had never wandered far from where we met.
i call it a spell that i fell under and kept me locked in that moment desperate for your embrace. i built a home with your ghost but it didn't take long before it got too cold and i needed some warmth so i went out looking for you, calling out your name but all i got was silence and a road with so many paths i could take.

at times someone offered me there hand, away from this emptiness that i
had but i blocked their eyes because i wasn't ready to accept their gaze.

turn RIGHT
turn left
follow your heart

that's what they said and i did. i felt choiceless. i could no longer pretend that it was okay that i held back, so much had gone unsaid so i dug deep into my heart and found the words to express why at the crossroads i didn't make a left.

my words translated into a map that led me in your path and brought you to me but it didn't bring you completely. the time we spent was borrowed and it drowned me in so much sorrow and i realized that i needed you whole because that was the only way our love stood a chance to grow.

you offered me only pieces and glimpses of what we could be and so much of me was breaking knowing that you were settling for being my guest when i was trying to make a home.

go right ->
go LEFT <-


again with a choice to make but no longer feeling choiceless.
right has your face
and moments that i can't yet describe

but that i know will make me feel alive.


left has someone whose face
I have yet to decide

and who will never bring me your light.


the day my heart found a voice i was freed from all the walls surrounding me, the days i sensed the impossibility of our love blooming, i felt the familiarity of layer by layer of bricks consuming. the day you decided this wasn't our time i stopped walking right and that was the day i was saved.
"our path emerges for awhile and then closes within a dream"
-ernest dowson


love is all about timing, that is what replays in my mind every day and each step i take leaves deeper footprints from all the weight of all that i carry as i walk away. i try to find a reason why it's okay that things have to change, that you couldn't stay.

i turn around once in awhile hoping that i might find you, see your face, see you smiling. i listen closely for your footsteps, try to smell your scent. i'm hoping for the music to my ears, your voice calling out my name.

don't let me get away

i wonder if you'll ever decide to search for me one day and if you do, would you have the map inside of you to guide you to me and would it be too late?

i surrender once again and put my faith in the universe and
i
keep

walking
my
way.

36 comments:

mermaid said...

I loved the ending. The map of the heart never has guided directions or destinations that are known. They are sometimes felt beforehand, and you try to get there the best way you can, falling and flying along the way.

I always wish that you will find this person, but today, I wish that the map takes you where your heart can experience the most growth. I'm not sure if that will be what you want, but I know it will be what makes your heart endure.

Lavinia said...

This made me think of a situation in my life from some years ago where I also found it hard to let go. I really is dificult if every place you go to is tied up with memories of that former love.

But letting go opens your heart to even better things, as Im sure you have found.

xoxo

ps Keep an eye out on your inbox this week my dear. Im sending you something very close to your heart that Im sure will make you chuckle.

eden said...

sigh....i can really relate to this post

letting go,easy to say but hard to follow but as mermaid said try to get there the best way you can.

EATING POETRY said...

This is exquisite! I love the style of the poem, how it's written... expressing the content to perfection.

Also, love the picture.

sirbarrett said...

This is so sweet. You're heart knows the way, but it can lead you through dangerous places. I think of times when you jump out of your skin or do something unconsciously only because you forget that someone is missing. Or you're so in love but in pain because the substantiation of a relationship is partial. Sometimes a dream closes around my path because I don't want to see where it veers left. You're absolutely right it's about timing. Trust yourself to walk right.

Lorena said...

mermaid :: thank you for your heartfelt wishes and for adding to this post with your beautiful message. sometimes what we want is not what we need. i will continue to fall and fly along the way :) and you are right, i need to go in the direction where my heart will endure and grow. i will look back to this when i need inspiration.

lavinia :: oh definitely, revisiting places can be sad sometimes. so many haunting places. thanks for the xoxo :)
i'm waiting on this email you speak off!!

eden :: thanks. i will do my best :)

eating poetry :: thank you!

sirbarrett :: i like what you added about a dream closing because you don't want to know the end point, the leaving part. why does love have to be so scary! :) thanks for the encouragement.

Shubhodeep said...

the indecision is strikingly portrayed! nice!

bert moth said...

These words show the passion and depth of your feelings. This piece explores your choices and decisions in profound and revealing ways. Keep following your heart. After all, if you don't you'd be cheating yourself.

Isn't the mystery of it all half the fun?

Moon said...

Lorena,
I'm happy to have you as a visitor, you know, how much i like your photos, for a long time now, and this is good news, i can vcomment freely now, at your place...(actually, your blog, is one of the first i've came across, and loved it at first sight :-) )

yes, the connection between tatoo and shadow is striking, and in a way, ones a new way of looking at shadows and their relations with all which "around" it's like in a way, all is tatooed, we all are, inside out....aren't we?
at the first photo -it's the tatooed male, that touched me most...he looked to me hunted...runner, like a soldier that never got over the horror of war...his body is tatooted but, his soul as well...

elkenarra said...

lovely and beautiful! you have outdone yourself here!! keep on writing, my friend.

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

I love it all but I have to say I had a special smile for 'Left never felt right'One for the wall I think

Anonymous Poet said...

I hopes this isn't cliched, but this reminds me of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken."


The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.


Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.


Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

transience said...

that was exquisite! and the photograph pointed out your meaning and metaphors so eloquently. i may take pictures, lorena, but you...you take masterpieces.

Roger Stevens said...

Lovely writing around a nice idea. The left or the right. And a great photo, too.

You definitely should keep walking your own way - but I'm not so sure about putting our faith in the Universe. I think the Universe is largely indifferent to we humans.

Hey, have a wonderful 2006!!!

XXX

PS Love the drawing below.

Marc said...

Such a passionate piece, done with much creativity, originality and spirit. The ending is perfect.

Bravo!
Marcox

Carrie said...

i'm completely confused by those directions you gave me, and my way is usually the wrong way, so maybe i'll just follow you !!
:)

lovely pic, have a great day gorgeous!

Vesper said...

I looked at your other blog, too, and it looks like you have a thing for Katherine Moennig? Me too. I'm quite obsessed with her. ;)

mickey said...

this almost brought me to tears for many reasons. it was as if someone i once knew was talking directly to me. too close for comfort. thank you. it woke me up.

Michael Manning said...

A VERY LATE HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU DUE TO TECHNICAL FAILURES SO MANY OF US HAVE SUFFERED. Go to Kat Magendie's site. You can post your writing to any of a handful of photos. From one writer to another--YOU ROCK!

Rashmi Kayala said...

Stunning thoughts and an awesome portrayal of your mind.
Excellent READ..Keep up your great work of writing!
I came across your blog while browsing. Gal,you have a way with words :-)

Lorena said...

thanks shubhodeep!

Ô¿Ô :: i'm happy to read your comment, i'm happy that some of the passion is felt. and i will continue to do so, thanks :)
i love a good mystery....

moon :: so glad you can comment as well and thanks for the sweet words :) interesting thoughts on tatooeing (not sure on spelling).
i like that concept of your soul being tatooed....thanks for sharing.

thank you elkenarra !

sue hardy-dawson :: thanks, i thought it was pretty clever :)

anonymous poet :: thanks for providing the poem, i don't think i ever read the entire poem...cool.

transience :: you are too kind. i always apprecite what you have to say :) i'm happy having one person say this....so thanks.

roger stevens :: thanks. i will do so and good point. i think the overall good advice would be to follow your heart...thanks.
happy 2006 to you as well.

marco :: i love that it can be described as such. thanks :)

mitzzee :: yes, just follow me & pack a lunch :) hope you are doing well. you look adorable in your pic!

vesper :: yes i do, join the fan club! that would be the correct word 'obsessed'. thanks for visiting :)

mickey :: ahhh, how sweet. glad you liked it. thanks for visiting!

michael manning :: thanks for the greetings. hope you have a great one as well and thanks for the info!

rashmi kayala :: thanks for your sweet words. i'm glad you dropped by, gave me a chance to find you :)

feminine expressions said...

wow. wow. wow. i love this. oh, lorena, you are so good. so much of me was breaking knowing that you were settling for being my guest when i was trying to make a home touches me deeply.

this is not just great reading, but would be great listening. do you perform this live?

diana christine

Vesper said...

Your vote wasn't counted!

You'll need to go to the official voting page for your vote to count:

http://www.thebestofblogs.com/vote-here/

Sorry for the screw up! I thought everyone was voting via the comment section!

grumblefish said...

Another enchanting travelogue, Lorena. Your
comments along your journey through the universe are really special.

Blue Athena said...

This is just so wonderfully done. Great work! :)

Lorena said...

feminine expressions :: thank you, you are to kind. no i don't :)

vesper :: i voted. good luck :)

grumblefish :: thank you. glad i get to share it :)

thanks blue athena :)

Moon said...

Dear Lorena,
I read again and was touched by your poem, your words, the pain.
I particularly was touched by this line "my words translated in to a map that led me in your path, and brought you to me..."
was is that?
it is a ancient hidden vision inside of me...:-)
in my place, if you will look, in my various sections, you will find a Map zone...I'm amazed and obsessed with maps all kind off, reading those words of you, made me see a new path to understand why i love map
BTW
I've answered your questions you've asked me....go and see :)

moon

Ghost Particle said...

Hi, nice post. Very original and fresh. Loved it. tc.

Lorena said...

moon :: yes the map link you speak of caught my attention. you have so many good stuff on there....thanks for coming by again :)

thanks ghost particle :)

Maddy said...

"...you were settling for being
a guest when I was trying to
make a home..."
gentle - this poem is gentle -
not angry, not trying to impose
your will - just trying to find
your way. It is courageous and
refuses to ignite into accusation.
I simply love this piece.

Lorena said...

madelyn, you've really captured where i was coming from and 'gentle' is the perfect word. thank you for taking the time to read it and for putting it so nicely the emotion, frame of mind, i was in. i was happy to read your comment :)
glad you visited!!

BMABWY said...

right on...Madelyn is awesome...I have to say young lady you are sweet...and I wish I were that man...Beautiful piece of love in perspective

Lorena said...

thank you bmabwy. good to hear and thanks for dropping by :)

Nahuatl said...

[left never felt right]

left never felt right
but you had left.


Amazing.. very touching.

PS : Your blog title is "every passing moment"... :)) read mine.. =))

Lorena said...

thank you, just a little piece of my heart...:)

Spokenwords said...

Your expression was a blast. Beautiful Lorena. Captivating your flow of thoughts with its body. :)